Bang Bang Bang!
i’m back! hawaii was a blast, especially having the freedom of not being hovered over by my parents (papa in particular…that sounds sort of like a tongue twister…”papa in particular prefers pantsing prostitutes”… hmm not one for the children…) speaking of prostitutes, here’s the low down on what went down on O’ahu:
1. got sunburnt. twas inevitable, but still sucks ass. on the brightside it’ll be a good tan in a few days, and i’m getting freckles :D lol on the bad side, ow.
2. i also got eaten to death by sand spiders at a Luau i went to (though it was freaking FUN and i got Lei’d by the CUTEST hula boy in the world xD ) and there was food and music and flaming knives being tossed around and a somewhat topless chick doing a sensual dance hohohoho….
3. where was i? …oh yes, prostitutes. it is a randall custom (my mother’s family) to go prostitute watching when you visit hawaii. but i guess the city officials been cracking down on prostitution because after a few days of no sign of skanky hos, we began to lose hope. THEN one day we were eating breakfast and we saw this TOTAL hot mess in a short pink dress and white heels with a cigarette carelessly smoldering away in her hand, standing around, looking frumpy and bored. KACHING! about time, right? haha well we didnt get a good look at her because we were across the street and upstairs at Tsunami’s (which moved to where the old strip club was, so there are like mirror ceilings and stripper poles here and there lmfao) and she walked away halfway through our breakfast. but this glimpse of a mistress of the night (surprisingly during the daytime. doing some shoppin?? lol) was the flint to reignite our hopes of spotting a genuine lady-ho. anyways the next few days, with diligent surveillance, we spotted some hookers here and there, but none too obvious. THEN…oh my god, lol, THEN my aunt Lisa and i were walking back to our condo and we passed this strip club (“Hawaii by Night”) thats down the block that we always pass and its no big deal, usually there’s just a guy standing outside handing out stripper flyers. but LAST NIGHT omg lol there was this white chick, with brunette hair standing with him, in i swear to bob 6 inch translucent heels, black lingerie, and NOTHING ELSE! lol finally a girl who’s upfront about her profession. i must say the thought of that right now is making me snicker with delight. i almost asked for a picture with her, but i was afraid they’d charge me lmfao so that was fun. geez enough about prostitutes lacey, GOD!
4. i bought a dancing hula boy for my car. teehee
5. HAHA so we went snorkeling at Hanauma Bay which is always a blast but tiring as hell, and i got some cool pictures of fishies up close. but its like a half hour from our condo and you have to call a service to come pick you up, and the little asian lady that picked us up would randomly say shit like “bang bang bang bang” or “lala bang la” just like lmfao weird ass stuff, just in between doing things or while driving or even as a transitional statement from one topic to another: “oh it berry nice weathah out today, ya bang bang bang bang, you want rent snorkel?” lmfao oh gooooodddd so funny.
6.lost my sunglasses. sadness :(
7. met Al Gore’s butler and his daughter (HAWT)
8. there’s other stuff, like i went to the aquarium and i played i spy at the beach on easter with my uncle and his girfriend, or that gay waiter at the Cheesecake factory who had a man crush on my unlce lmfao but its little stuff that’ll make its way into future blogs by way of flashbacks and vaguely-related allusions.
so yes, altogether my vacation (graduation present from last year…a but late, you say?) was spankin spectacular. some new vocabulary i’ve picked up over the past week:
1. Dick in a Box = Jack in the Box.
2. Jack in the Crack = Jack in the Box
3. Crack = Jack in the Box
4. Ohana = family
5. Natasha Bedingfield = I just said that dumbass!
6. Fierce = Very Cool, Very Hot, or otherwise extremely interesting
7. Tranny = So-So
8. Hot mess = Just Fucking Awful
9. Jennavecia = Backstabbing Beeyotch
10. Maholo = Thank you
11. God dammit! = I stubbed my toe on some mofo coral!
12. Bang Bang Bang! = [No English Translation]
13. $5.99 = Ten Bucks
14. Ten Bucks = What’s your credit card limit?
15. Quit Jackin’ It! = http://youtube.com/watch?v=Rai9SiBRv50
i suggest you review this list in your free time seeing as how some of these are going to be making frequent appearances in future blogs. :)
so anyways, woke up extremely early this morning (3:30 HI time) and got on a plane for 5 hours, rode bart for half an hour, and i’ve just been hanging out at my aunt’s place watching Jeopardy (aka the sexiest show in existence) and waiting for my mom to get back from her Steve Miller Band Concert (….jealous? moi? ….yeah okay.) and i thought i’d catch you guys up on my girls-gone-wild-worthy vacation. Catch you later, peeps, stay Fierce
~the most important person you will ever meet